Wednesday 16 December 2015

The Secret Guide - How To Ruin The Perfect Christmas Day

Ever wondered how the perfect Christmas day always seems to get ruined? Doesn't matter how well it's planned something always goes wrong. I don't mean burnt roast potatoes or boiled to death sprouts, they are traditional. I mean those other things. It's all going wonderfully then bam! Well, there's a secret guide and I am going to share it with you.

If you don't want to ruin Christmas Day here is the secret guide. Just avoid doing any of these things and you will have the perfect Christmas Day.

The Secret Guide - How To Ruin The Perfect Christmas Day

picture of a Santa red and white hat
title the gifts

Here's some fabulous gift ideas, something for everyone. Any of these are certain to ruin the perfect day.

Gifts for Friends

  • The gift they gave you last year, still wrapped just the tag changed
  • Drum kits, trumpets, recorders or other noisy gifts for their children

Gifts for Men

  • Socks
  • Aftershave that makes them smell like a goat
  • Toenail clippers/nasal hair clippers
  • Tickets for a tour of Arsenal Football ground when a) they actually support Tottenham or b) they live in Spain 

Gifts for Women

  • Anything at all that doesn't have diamonds in it or on it
  • Clothing that's too big, frumpy or that she hasn't bought herself and given to you to wrap
  • Anything domestic. A vacuum cleaner, an iron, an oven glove, an apron (the last 2 should be avoided if hand made by one of her adorable children).The ONLY exception is a stand mixer, yeah the expensive one, like they have on Great British Bake Off.

Gifts for Children

  • Last years *must have or I'll die* presents
  • Anything too old/big for them so they can't actually play with it
  • Anything they can't play with on the day. "yes, yes you can play with the bucket and spade, in the summer, when the sun comes out"
  • Anything that needs batteries...but you didn't buy batteries
  • Anything that you didn't check that a) it's all there and b) it works
  • A cheaper/worse present than their siblings got
  • A puppy you bought from a man in the pub that will be sick by evening and at the vets before Boxing day is over

title the meal

Any of the following treats you have planned for the Perfect Christmas Dinner will cause upset and ruin it for at least one of your guests

  • Changing the traditions that your family have upheld for generations.
  • Having goose/beef/pork/reindeer instead of turkey
  • Stuffing the turkey with aardvark and peaches instead of the old handed down recipe or that packet stuff they actually like
  • Boiling the turkey for 14 days and then just warm it up in the microwave because you saw someone do it on that cooking programme on Morning! or Masterchef.
  • Cooking Turkey, stuffing, pigs in blankets, potatoes roasted in goose fat...fantastic except the new *very important* guest is a vegetarian/vegan and no one told the cook. They can't have the sprouts either because there's bacon in with them (yummy). The pudding has been made traditionally with suet as are the mince pies and the wine has been clarified with isinglass.
  • Timing the meal to coincide with the really important game, film, TV programme that has to be watched now and cannot possibly be recorded or watched on catch up.

title the entertainment

It doesn't take a lot of effort to ruin the perfect Christmas day if you choose the entertainment carefully. So what should be included?

  • Monopoly 
  • Any board game that last for hours but someone can be knocked out after only 15 minutes 
  • Politics. Just don't sit on the fence, say something you really believe in especially if it is likely to start a heated discussion and better still fisty cuffs. 
  • Getting sozzled before breakfast 
  • Go to the pub, get pi**ed and come back 30 minutes later than the dinner was due to be served, collapse into the perfectly laid table knocking everything to the floor shouting "It's OK I'm not hurt"
  • sing or whistle a catchy tune, over and over and over again.

You better watch out  
You better not cry   
Better not pout     
I'm telling you why............

Merry Christmas from


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